Every one of us has been an email chain which is borderline unintelligible for the amount of corporate lingo thrown in there. At City A.M., we’re taking a stand and calling out the worst jargon which travels around the City faster than you can drink an overpriced pint. This week: bandwidth.
Offender: Bandwidth
What does it mean?
Despite what physicists will have you believe about Hertz and frequencies, in the City it appears to mean capacity.
Use: a) I don’t have the bandwidth for the Forestry Commission project (overt meaning); b) I don’t have the bandwidth for your bullsh*t, Mark (covert meaning).
In short: shut up.
Who uses it?
Humans who envision themselves as machines. They have batteries (rechargeable with medleys of overpriced coffee, cocaine, Lemsip, liquid drum and bass). They have routines. They have automatic responses. They occasionally have breakdowns (fits of caffeine-enhanced rage at a desk, for example). When tired they may assume screensaver mode.
Should we be worried?
Undoubtedly. They gel their hair, they don their suits, they check their stocks, they take the tube, the robot army is coming for you.
AI is making enough advances as it is towards becoming human, without humans mirroring the process from the other side. I mean think about it – this could get messy.
How do we get rid of it?
R.A.G.E. Against the Machine. Take off your mask and switch off autopilot: you are not a robot.
If someone uses it to you, tell them your frequency does not fall within their bandwidth anyway and you can’t hear them anyway. Sleep mode activated.
Corporate ick rating: 7
Objectionable, yes. Lethal, no – until you pull that plug.
‘Reach out’ with the worst corporate jargon you’ve heard around town – opinion@cityam.com